Friday, January 09, 2009
Solid as Barack
Ashford and Simpson recorded this song with the new lyrics...to be released Jan. 20.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Absinthe, the Green Muse
Absinthe has intrigued me since I heard about it while studying Rimbaud and Baudelaire in college. It's all so mysterious and decadent.
Here are the ingredients:
dried chopped wormwood (one ounce),
angelica root (one tablespoon),
hyssop (one teaspoon),
coriander seeds (half teaspoon),
caraway seeds (quarter teaspoon),
cardamon pods (one pinch),
fennel or anise seeds (one pinch),
vodka (one liter).
Of course, you just can't mix it all together and drink it. It has to be macerated, strained and distilled.
Honestly, I wouldn't care to make it.
But I would like to try it one day before I breathe my last.
It has an anise flavor and is 45 to 75 percent alcohol. You drink it with water that is poured over a sugar cube placed on a special slotted spoon. This distills the absinthe and brings out other flavors. (If it wasn't distilled your head would explode...haha, not really). The spoon rests on top of the glass of absinthe. Some glasses were made specifically for the absinthe so it could be measured. I'm fascinated by the ritual involved. It's like a twisted Japanese tea ceremony.
What are the effects? Much like alcohol but differs "...in the (alleged) 'secondary effects’, which include hallucinations, irregular eyesight sensitivity to light and colors, euphoria and a feeling of lucid inebriation."
Artists and bohemians are its most famous users.
"Oscar Wilde depicts the feeling of walking through a field of tulips when leaving a bar. He also divided the absinthe drinking into three stages: the first one is exactly like drinking any regular alcohol, at the second one people start seeing horrible scary things, and if they presume to carry on drinking the third stage begins and they see whatever they would like to see, all kinds of beautiful desirable things."
"The possibility of the ‘secondary effects’ occurrence is commonly explained by the poor quality of the ingredients used to make the drink as well as inappropriate conditions of production. It is known that in old times cheap absinthe manufacturers sometimes used poisonous chemicals such as copper sulfate and antimony chloride to fabricate the spirit, which could explain the drinkers’ mysterious dreams."
But some people say they have no other effects that are different than drinking hard liquor.
Anyone out there tried it?
Andrei Codrescu on Black Friday...late to post but still relevant
After Sept. 11, 2001, President Bush told us to go shopping.
Seven years later, Lehman Brothers went under.
In the aftermath, our panicked leaders prophesied doomsday if we didn't immediately go shopping to save America from recession.
And so we went shopping! We so went shopping, in rumbling herdlike elephant masses, we killed a guy who didn't get out of the way fast enough. It's a tragic incident, but by no means meaningless. Shopping is a religion, and some religions demand sacrifices.
The Wal-Mart employee died for us on Black Friday, but have we stopped to think what his sacrifice means? Not at all: We're stampeding right on through to the other side of Christmas. We aren't just shopping: We are saving America.
There were some voices that said on TV that maybe we should start saving instead of shopping. We heard those voices, too, especially when gas was $4, but we seem to have quickly forgotten them. Save what?
The business of America is business. And for you and me, Mr. and Mrs. Citizen Average, that means shopping.
I'm not going to make anything out of the fact that the killer mob stormed Wal-Mart, not Neiman Marcus, because the tragedy could have happened anywhere. Shopping mobs are unstoppable regardless of whether they are after diamond-encrusted slippers or Chinese lawn ornaments. The urge is the same: Get to it before they quit running the sale ads and America goes down.
And now that we are officially in a recession and too tired from shopping to figure anything out, they are making us feel guilty of murder, which we may well be. But we were just following orders.
Seven years later, Lehman Brothers went under.
In the aftermath, our panicked leaders prophesied doomsday if we didn't immediately go shopping to save America from recession.
And so we went shopping! We so went shopping, in rumbling herdlike elephant masses, we killed a guy who didn't get out of the way fast enough. It's a tragic incident, but by no means meaningless. Shopping is a religion, and some religions demand sacrifices.
The Wal-Mart employee died for us on Black Friday, but have we stopped to think what his sacrifice means? Not at all: We're stampeding right on through to the other side of Christmas. We aren't just shopping: We are saving America.
There were some voices that said on TV that maybe we should start saving instead of shopping. We heard those voices, too, especially when gas was $4, but we seem to have quickly forgotten them. Save what?
The business of America is business. And for you and me, Mr. and Mrs. Citizen Average, that means shopping.
I'm not going to make anything out of the fact that the killer mob stormed Wal-Mart, not Neiman Marcus, because the tragedy could have happened anywhere. Shopping mobs are unstoppable regardless of whether they are after diamond-encrusted slippers or Chinese lawn ornaments. The urge is the same: Get to it before they quit running the sale ads and America goes down.
And now that we are officially in a recession and too tired from shopping to figure anything out, they are making us feel guilty of murder, which we may well be. But we were just following orders.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Sigh...
"You should call me sir to set a good example for our daughter."
"You expect everything to change around you just to make you feel better." (asked him to turn down volume on computer game b/c it made me nervous)
"You are always trying to make me mad."
"You take everything too personally."
"I work all week and now I have to work here?" (loading dishwasher)
"I'll just quit my job, then." (When I said I didn't feel like going to buy his cigs and cokes)
"You expect everything to change around you just to make you feel better." (asked him to turn down volume on computer game b/c it made me nervous)
"You are always trying to make me mad."
"You take everything too personally."
"I work all week and now I have to work here?" (loading dishwasher)
"I'll just quit my job, then." (When I said I didn't feel like going to buy his cigs and cokes)
Things I Believe
1. All animals or any creature that has died should be buried or at least have its body covered in some way out of respect for it. I get so sad to see a dead dog on the side of the road. I found a recently dead squirrel in my back yard and I felt I needed to bury it instead of leaving it there. When our dog died in May 2008, we had him cremated and I had his ashes returned to us instead of having them scattered. I felt like would have been a symbolic throwing away of our love for him. It makes me feel better to know we still have a part of him around.
2. I want to water or take care of wilted plants that I see at stores or in neighbors' yards. When I got back from vacation, I noticed that a plant I had nursed back to health was extremely wilted, and I was so upset to see the condition it was in. It's fine now.
3. I feel like great importance should be given to what kids say, whether it is an opinion about a show or an idea they have about something. Adults shouldn't just pretend to listen and humor them.
4. No war is ever won. If one person dies as a result of a war, then everyone has lost.
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Dave Barry 2008 Year in Review
Dave Barry Year in Review: Bailing out of 2008
Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson. MCT
Dave Barry's 2008 Year in Review Photo BY DAVE BARRY
How weird a year was it?
Here's how weird:
• O.J. actually got convicted of something.
• Gasoline hit $4 a gallon -- and those were the good times.
• On several occasions, Saturday Night Live was funny.
• There were a few days there in October when you could not completely rule out the possibility that the next Treasury Secretary would be Joe the Plumber.
• Finally, and most weirdly, for the first time in history, the voters elected a president who -- despite the skeptics who said such a thing would never happen in the United States -- was neither a Bush NOR a Clinton.
Of course not all the events of 2008 were weird. Some were depressing. The only U.S. industries that had a good year were campaign consultants and foreclosure lawyers. Everybody else got financially whacked. Millions of people started out the year with enough money in their 401(k)'s to think about retiring on, and ended up with maybe enough for a medium Slurpee.
So we can be grateful that 2008 is almost over. But before we leave it behind, let's take a few minutes to look back and see if we can find some small nuggets of amusement. Why not? We paid for it, starting with . . .
JANUARY
. . . which begins, as it does every four years, with presidential contenders swarming into Iowa and expressing sincerely feigned interest in corn. The Iowa caucuses produce two surprises:
• On the Republican side, the winner is Mike Huckabee, folksy former governor of Arkansas or possibly Oklahoma, who vows to remain in the race until he gets a commentator gig with Fox. His win deals a severe blow to Mitt Romney and his bid to become the first president of the android persuasion. Not competing in Iowa are Rudy Giuliani, whose strategy is to stay out of the race until he is mathematically eliminated, and John McCain, who entered the caucus date incorrectly into his 1996 Palm Pilot.
• On the Democratic side, the surprise winner is Barack Obama, who is running for president on a long and impressive record of running for president. A mesmerizing speaker, Obama electrifies voters with his exciting new ideas for change, although people have trouble remembering exactly what these ideas were because they were so darned mesmerized. Some people become so excited that they actually pass out. These are members of the press corps.
Obama's victory comes at the expense of former front-runner Hillary Clinton, who fails to ignite voter passion despite a rip-snorter of a stump speech in which she recites, without notes, all 17 points of her plan to streamline tuition-loan applications.
The instant the caucuses are over the contenders drop Iowa like a rancid frankfurter and jet to other states to express concern about whatever people there care about.
Meanwhile George W. Bush, who is still technically the president, visits the Middle East and finds things over there just as confusing as ever.
In sports, LSU wins the national college football championship, easily defeating the Miami Dolphins.
Finally, in what some economists see as a troubling sign, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac invest $12.7 billion in Powerball tickets.
The worsening economy takes center stage in . . .
FEBRUARY
. . . when, amid much fanfare, Congress passes, and President Bush signs, an ''economic stimulus package'' under which the federal government will give taxpayers back several hundred dollars apiece of their own money, the idea being that they will use this money to revive the U.S. economy by buying TV sets that were made in China. This will seem much more comical in the fall.
The battle between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton heats up as the two engage in a series of increasingly hostile debates, including one in which Secret Service agents have to tackle a large, angry, red-faced man who bursts from the audience shouting incoherently. This turns out to be Bill Clinton, who is swiftly dispatched by his wife's campaign to work his magic on voters in the crucial Guam caucuses.
On the Republican side, John McCain emerges as the front-runner when Mitt Romney drops out of the race, citing ``motherboard issues.''
Abroad, Fidel Castro steps down after 49 years as president of Cuba, explaining that he wants to spend more time decomposing. In selecting his successor, the Cuban National Assembly, after conducting an exhaustive nationwide search, selects Fidel's brother, Raúl, who narrowly edges out Dennis Kucinich.
In sports, the undefeated New England Patriots lose the Super Bowl to the New York Giants in a stunning upset that confounds the experts, not to mention Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, which had $38 billion on the Pats to win.
Speaking of losers, in . . .
MARCH
. . . New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer becomes embroiled in an embarrassing scandal when a criminal investigation reveals that he looks like a large suit-wearing rodent. Also he has been seeing a high-class prostitute known as ''Kristen'' in a Washington, D.C., hotel. Spitzer resigns in disgrace; ''Kristen,'' hounded by the press and no longer able to pursue her profession, receives a $23 billion bailout from the federal government.
In politics, Barack Obama addresses the issue of why, in his 20 years of membership in Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago, he failed to notice that the pastor, Jeremiah Wright, is a racist lunatic. In a major televised address widely hailed for its brilliance, Obama explains that . . . OK, nobody really remembers what the actual explanation was. But everybody agrees it was mesmerizing.
Obama's opponent, Hillary Clinton, gets into a controversy of her own when she claims that, as first lady, she landed in Bosnia ''under sniper fire.'' News outlets quickly locate archive video showing that she was in fact greeted with a welcoming ceremony featuring an 8-year-old girl reading a poem. Clinton's campaign releases a statement pointing out that it was ``a pretty long poem.''
On the Republican side, John McCain wraps up the nomination and embarks on a series of strategic naps.
On Wall Street, J.P. Morgan buys Bear Stearns; nobody really understands what this means, but it is clearly bad. Abroad, the dollar declines to the point where currency traders are using it solely for wiping up spills. Both Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac apply to be contestants on Deal Or No Deal.
In environmental news, Earth Hour is observed on March 29, when cities around the world display their commitment to conserving energy by turning out their lights for one hour. When the lights come back on, Detroit is missing.
In sports, the troubled Olympic torch becomes embroiled in a protest riot in Athens; witnesses claim the torch ''reeked of alcohol.'' In football, beloved Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre retires and embarks on a series of emotional farewell events, several of which are still going on when he signs to play for the Jets.
Speaking of emotional, in . . .
APRIL
. . . tensions run high in the Pennsylvania Democratic primary, which all the experts agree is extremely crucial. Barack Obama gets into trouble with rural voters for saying that rural Americans are ''bitter'' and ''cling to guns or religion.'' Responding to charges that this statement is elitist, Obama responds: ``You are getting sleepy. Very sleepy.''
Seeking to capitalize on Obama's gaffe, Hillary Clinton starts channeling Annie Oakley, tossing down shots of whiskey and talking about her love of guns and hunting. After one particularly long day on the trail, she grabs a Secret Service agent's pistol and attempts to shoot a deer; instead she wounds a reporter, thereby sealing her victory in the Pennsylvania primary, which turns out to not actually be all that crucial because the Democratic race keeps right on going with no sign of ending in the current decade.
On the Republican side, John McCain gets wind of something called the ''Internet'' and orders his staff to give him a summary of it on index cards.
In economic news, the price of gasoline tops $4 a gallon, meaning the cost of filling up an average car is now $50, or, for Hummer owners, $17,500. Congress, responding to the financial pain of the American people, goes into partisan gridlock faster than ever before, with Republicans demanding that the oil companies immediately start drilling everywhere, including cemeteries, and Democrats calling for a massive effort to develop alternative energy sources such as wind, the sun, tides, comets, Al Gore and dragon breath, using technology expected to be perfected sometime this millennium. It soon becomes clear that Congress will not actually do anything, so Americans start buying less gasoline.
The economic news is also gloomy for the U.S. automotive industry, where General Motors, in a legally questionable move aimed at boosting its sagging car sales, comes out with a new model called ``The Chevrolet Toyota.''
In sports, the troubled Olympic torch punches a photographer while entering a San Francisco hotel at 3 a.m. with Lindsay Lohan.
Speaking of trouble, in . . .
MAY
. . . the International Atomic Energy Agency releases a report stating that Iran is actively developing nuclear warheads. In response, Iran issues a statement asserting that (1) it absolutely is not developing nuclear warheads, and (2) these are peaceful warheads. The United States, the United Kingdom, Germany, France, Russia and China convene an emergency meeting, during which they manage, in heated negotiations, to talk France out of surrendering.
Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac invest $17 billion in an Herbalife franchise.
In presidential politics, the increasingly bitter fight for the Democratic nomination intensifies when Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton hold a televised debate, moderated by PBS anchor Jim Lehrer, that consists entirely of spitting.
On the Republican side, John McCain, preparing for the fall campaign, purchases a new necktie.
The big spring Hollywood hit is the film version of Sex and the City, which draws millions of movie-goers, including an estimated three men, two of whom thought they were in the theater for the fourth Indiana Jones movie, Indiana Jones Experiences Frequent Nighttime Urination. The riveting plot of Sex and the City, which runs for nearly two-and-a-half hours, involves the efforts of Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte to plan Carrie's wedding -- Finally! -- to ''Mr. Big,'' only to have things go awry when mutant vampire moles bore up through the church floor and suck the blood out of the wedding party through their feet.
In sports, both the Kentucky Derby and the Indianapolis 500 are won by Usain Bolt.
Speaking of victory, in . . .
JUNE
. . . Barack Obama finally claims the bitterly contested Democratic nomination when Hillary Clinton, behind on delegates and in debt to the tune of $25 million, including $9 million for hairspray alone, suspends her campaign and declares that she has ''no hard feelings'' and will do ''whatever it takes'' to help Obama get elected ''even though he is scum.'' Bill Clinton, at his wife's side, nods vigorously, but is unable to speak because of the restraining device. A gracious John McCain tells the press that he ''looks forward to a spirited debate with Sen. Mondale.'' Before he can take questions he is informed by his aides that he has an important meeting.
In other campaign-related news, Chicago developer Tony Rezko, a former Obama associate and fundraiser, is convicted on corruption charges, but the press realizes that this is not an issue after Obama explains that it is not an issue.
President George W. Bush takes one last official trip to Europe to meet with European leaders. Unfortunately they are not home.
In economic news, Chrysler announces a plan to lay off workers who have not been born yet. The lone economic bright spot is the iPhone, which is selling like crazy thanks to the release of a new model enhanced with the capability of sucking pieces of your brain out through your ear until all you want to do is play with your iPhone.
Speaking of vegetables, the big scare in June comes from the Food and Drug Administration, which announces that tomatoes are killing people. A wave of fear grips the nation as supermarket shoppers stampede from the produce section, causing several fatal shopping-cart mishaps. At the height of the panic, with the tomato industry reeling, the FDA declares that, oops, the killer might NOT be tomatoes, but some other vegetable, possibly jalapeño peppers, but nobody knows for sure. Eventually everyone calms down, but not before a bank in Cleveland is held up by a man wielding only a stalk of asparagus.
The scientific community is elated by NASA's announcement that the Phoenix lander has detected ice on Mars. The elation turns to concern when, several hours later, the lander detects a Zamboni machine.
Tiger Woods, in an epic performance, wins the U.S. Open playing on an injured and very painful knee, thereby proving, beyond all doubt, that golf is not a real sport.
Speaking of epic performances, in . . .
JULY
. . . Barack Obama, having secured North and South America, flies to Germany without using an airplane and gives a major speech -- speaking English and German simultaneously -- to 200,000 mesmerized Germans, who immediately elect him chancellor, prompting France to surrender.
Meanwhile John McCain, at a strategy session at a golf resort, tells his top aides to prepare a list of potential running mates, stressing that he wants somebody ''who is completely, brutally honest.'' Unfortunately, because of noise from a lawn mower, the aides think McCain said he wants somebody ''who has competed in a beauty contest.'' This will lead to trouble down the road.
Speaking of trouble, the economic news continues to worsen with the discovery that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac have sent $87 billion to a Nigerian businessman with a compelling e-mail story.
Also troubling is the news from Iran, which test-fires some long-range missiles, although Iranian President Wackjob Lunatic insists that Iran intends to use these missiles ``for stump removal.''
In sports, the government of China, in an effort to improve air quality for the Beijing Olympics, bans flatulence.
Speaking of Olympian, in . . .
AUGUST
. . . Barack Obama, continuing to shake up the establishment, selects as his running mate Joe Biden, a tireless fighter for change since he was first elected to the U.S. Senate in 1849. The Democratic Party gathers in Denver to formally nominate Obama, who descends from his Fortress of Solitude to mesmerize the adoring crowd with an acceptance speech objectively described by The New York Times as ``comparable to the Gettysburg Address, only way better.''
Meanwhile John McCain, still searching for the perfect running mate, tells his top aides in a conference call that he wants ''someone who is capable of filling my shoes.'' Unfortunately, he is speaking into the wrong end of his cellular phone, and his aides think he said ''someone who is capable of killing a moose.'' Shortly thereafter McCain stuns the world, and possibly himself, by selecting Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, a no-nonsense hockey mom with roughly 114 children named after random nouns such as ``Hamper.''
In yet another troubling economic indicator, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac rob a liquor store.
Internationally, the big story is the Olympic games, which begin under a cloud of controversy when journalists in Beijing, who were promised unfettered Internet access by the Chinese government, discover that no matter what address they enter into their browsers, they wind up on Chairman Mao's Facebook page (he has 1.3 billion friends). But even the critics are blown away by the spectacular opening ceremony, which features the entire population of Asia performing the Electric Slide.
The games themselves are dominated by swimmer Michael Phelps, who wins eight gold medals, thus putting himself on a sounder financial footing than the U.S. Treasury. China wins the gold-medal count, although critics charge that some of China's 11-year-old female gymnasts are under the minimum age of 16. Chinese officials refute this charge by noting, correctly, that they have tanks.
Elsewhere abroad, war breaks out between Russia and Georgia over South Ossetia and Abkhazia, serving as a stark reminder that, in an increasingly uncertain world, we, as Americans, have no idea where these places are.
Speaking of uncertainty, in . . .
SEPTEMBER
. . . the Republican convention gets off to a tentative start in St. Paul when President Bush and Vice President Cheney are unable to attend, partly because of Hurricane Gustav, and partly because the organizers told them that the convention was in Atlanta. The mood improves when Sarah Palin dazzles the delegates with her winning smile, detailed knowledge of what is on the teleprompter, and spot-on imitation of Tina Fey. The next night, John McCain, formally accepting the nomination, pledges to run ''a totally incoherent campaign.'' None of this is reported in the media because the entire press corps is in Wasilla, Alaska, investigating rumors that Palin once dated a yeti.
But the presidential campaign is soon overshadowed by the troubled economy. The federal government is finally forced to take over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac after they are caught selling crack at a middle school. But that is not enough, as major financial institutions, having lost hundreds of billions of dollars thanks to years of engaging in practices ranging from questionable to moronic, begin failing, which gives the federal government an idea: Why not give these institutions MORE hundreds of billions of dollars, generously provided by taxpayers?
This plan is discussed and debated in urgent meetings in Washington attended by the president, the cabinet, congressional leaders, Sen. Obama, Sen. McCain and all other concerned parties except the actual taxpayers, who are not invited because they are, with all due respect, way too stupid to understand high finance. The taxpayers are repeatedly assured, however, that unless they fork over $700 billion, the economy will go right down the toilet. And so it comes to pass that in . . .
OCTOBER
. . . Congress passes, and Technically Still President Bush signs, the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008, and everyone heaves a sigh of relief as the economy stabilizes for approximately 2.7 seconds, after which it resumes going down the toilet. As world financial markets collapse like fraternity pledges at a keg party and banks fail around the world, the International Monetary Fund implements an emergency program under which anybody who opens a checking account anywhere on earth gets a free developing nation. But it is not enough; the financial system is in utter chaos. At one point a teenage girl in Worcester, Mass., attempts to withdraw $25 from an ATM and winds up acquiring Wells Fargo.
As the crisis worsens, an angry Congress, determined to get some answers, holds hearings and determines that whoever is responsible for this mess, it is definitely not Congress. Meanwhile all the cable-TV financial experts agree that since they totally failed to predict this disaster, they will stop pretending they have a clue what the markets are going to do and henceforth confine themselves to topics they can discuss knowledgeably, such as what time it is.
Just kidding! They'd get that wrong, too.
The economy dominates the presidential campaign, with the focal point being ''Joe the Plumber,'' an Ohio resident who asks Barack Obama a mildly confrontational question about tax policy and within hours is more famous than the Dalai Lama. He draws intense scrutiny from the news media, which, using investigative reporters borrowed from the Palin-yeti beat, determine that ''Joe the Plumber'' is in fact (1) not named Joe, (2) not a plumber, (3) a citizen of Belgium, and (4) biologically, a woman.
In the presidential debates, John McCain, looking and sounding increasingly like the late Walter Brennan, cites Joe the Plumber a record 847 times while charging that Obama's tax policies amount to socialism. Obama, ahead of McCain by double digits in the polls and several hundred million dollars in money, skips the debates so he can work on his inaugural address. The New York Times declares his performance ``masterful.''
In non-economic news, a Las Vegas jury convicts O.J. Simpson on 12 counts of being an unbelievable idiot. He faces more than 60 years in jail, which could end his relentless quest to find the killer of the people he stabbed to death in 1994.
In sports, the entire nation rejoices as the World Series is won, yet again, by a team other than the New York Yankees.
Speaking of winning, in . . .
NOVEMBER
. . . Barack Obama, in a historic triumph, becomes the nation's first black president since the second season of 24, setting off an ecstatically joyful and boisterous all-night celebration that at times threatens to spill out of The New York Times newsroom. Obama, following through on his promise to bring change to Washington, quickly begins assembling an administration consisting of a diverse group of renegade outsiders, ranging all the way from lawyers who attended Ivy League schools and then worked in the Clinton administration to lawyers who attended entirely different Ivy league schools and then worked in the Clinton administration.
But the hopeful mood is dampened by grim economic news. The stock market plummets farther as investors realize that the only thing that had been keeping the economy afloat was the millions of dollars spent daily on TV commercials for presidential candidates explaining how they would fix the economy. As it becomes increasingly clear that the federal government's plan of giving hundreds of billions of dollars to dysfunctional companies has not fixed the problem, the government comes up with a bold new plan: give more hundreds of billions of dollars to dysfunctional companies. Soon the government is in a bailout frenzy, handing out money left and right, at one point accidentally giving $14 billion to a man delivering a Domino's pizza to the Treasury building.
More and more companies seek federal help, among them the troubled ''big three'' auto makers, whose chief executives fly to Washington in three separate corporate jets to ask Congress for $25 billion, explaining that if they don't get the money, they will be unable to continue making cars that Americans are not buying.
In space, NASA's woes continue when an astronaut attempting to repair the troubled multibillion-dollar international space station accidentally lets go of a special $100,000 space tool bag, which drifts away, taking with it the special $17,000 space washer needed to fix the station's special, but troubled, space toilet. NASA announces that it will now have to send up a special space plumber, who charges $38 million an hour.
In sports, New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress shoots himself in the thigh in a New York City nightclub, using a gun he carried to protect himself from bad things that might happen to him, such as getting shot.
Speaking of bad things, in . . .
DECEMBER
. . . the National Bureau of Declaring Things That Make You Go ''Duh'' declares that the nation has been in a recession since December of 2007. The bureau also points out that, according to its statistical analysis, ``for some time now, bears apparently have been going to the bathroom in the woods.''
The CEOs of the Increasingly Small Three auto makers return to Washington to resume pleading for a bailout, this time telling Congress that if they can reach an agreement that day, they will throw in the undercoating, the satellite-radio package AND a set of floor mats. ''We're actually LOSING MONEY on this deal!'' they assure Congress. Finally they reach a $13.4 billion agreement under which the car companies will continue to provide jobs, medical insurance and pension benefits, but will cease producing actual cars. The agreement will be overseen by the federal government, using its legendary ability to keep things on budget.
President-elect Obama, continuing to bring change in the form of fresh-faced Washington outsiders, announces that his secretary of state will be Hillary Clinton. The position of secretary of defense, currently held by Bush appointee Robert Gates, will be filled by Bush appointee Robert Gates. Responding to rumors that he also plans to retain Dick Cheney, Obama insists that he has tried to ask the vice president to leave, ``but nobody knows where he is.''
In other political news, federal authorities arrest Democratic Illinois Gov. Rod ''Rod'' Blagojevich after wiretaps reveal that he was . . . OK, that he was being the governor of Illinois. Everybody is very, very shocked. Meanwhile the recount in the extremely tight Minnesota Senate race between Norm Coleman and Al Franken is thrown into disarray with the discovery that more than 13,000 of the ballots were cast by residents of Palm Beach County, Fla.
But the economy remains the dominant issue, with retailers reporting weak holiday sales as many shoppers pass up pricier gifts such as jewelry and big-screen TVs in favor of toilet paper and jerky. As the year draws to a close, the president's Council of Economic Advisers warns that the current recession ''could spiral downward into a full-blown depression,'' leaving the U.S. with ``no viable economic option but to declare war on Japan.''
In another troubling note, U.S. intelligence sources report that Iran is developing ``a gigantic rocket-powered shoe.''
Adding to the year-end gloom is a congressionally appointed bipartisan commission on terrorism, which releases a troubling report asserting that there is an 80 percent chance that within the next two years, a major U.S. city will be struck, with devastating consequences, by ``an 18,000 mile-per-hour tool bag from space.''
The point is, if you have any money left, you should spend it soon.
And happy New Year.
Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson. MCT
Dave Barry's 2008 Year in Review Photo BY DAVE BARRY
How weird a year was it?
Here's how weird:
• O.J. actually got convicted of something.
• Gasoline hit $4 a gallon -- and those were the good times.
• On several occasions, Saturday Night Live was funny.
• There were a few days there in October when you could not completely rule out the possibility that the next Treasury Secretary would be Joe the Plumber.
• Finally, and most weirdly, for the first time in history, the voters elected a president who -- despite the skeptics who said such a thing would never happen in the United States -- was neither a Bush NOR a Clinton.
Of course not all the events of 2008 were weird. Some were depressing. The only U.S. industries that had a good year were campaign consultants and foreclosure lawyers. Everybody else got financially whacked. Millions of people started out the year with enough money in their 401(k)'s to think about retiring on, and ended up with maybe enough for a medium Slurpee.
So we can be grateful that 2008 is almost over. But before we leave it behind, let's take a few minutes to look back and see if we can find some small nuggets of amusement. Why not? We paid for it, starting with . . .
JANUARY
. . . which begins, as it does every four years, with presidential contenders swarming into Iowa and expressing sincerely feigned interest in corn. The Iowa caucuses produce two surprises:
• On the Republican side, the winner is Mike Huckabee, folksy former governor of Arkansas or possibly Oklahoma, who vows to remain in the race until he gets a commentator gig with Fox. His win deals a severe blow to Mitt Romney and his bid to become the first president of the android persuasion. Not competing in Iowa are Rudy Giuliani, whose strategy is to stay out of the race until he is mathematically eliminated, and John McCain, who entered the caucus date incorrectly into his 1996 Palm Pilot.
• On the Democratic side, the surprise winner is Barack Obama, who is running for president on a long and impressive record of running for president. A mesmerizing speaker, Obama electrifies voters with his exciting new ideas for change, although people have trouble remembering exactly what these ideas were because they were so darned mesmerized. Some people become so excited that they actually pass out. These are members of the press corps.
Obama's victory comes at the expense of former front-runner Hillary Clinton, who fails to ignite voter passion despite a rip-snorter of a stump speech in which she recites, without notes, all 17 points of her plan to streamline tuition-loan applications.
The instant the caucuses are over the contenders drop Iowa like a rancid frankfurter and jet to other states to express concern about whatever people there care about.
Meanwhile George W. Bush, who is still technically the president, visits the Middle East and finds things over there just as confusing as ever.
In sports, LSU wins the national college football championship, easily defeating the Miami Dolphins.
Finally, in what some economists see as a troubling sign, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac invest $12.7 billion in Powerball tickets.
The worsening economy takes center stage in . . .
FEBRUARY
. . . when, amid much fanfare, Congress passes, and President Bush signs, an ''economic stimulus package'' under which the federal government will give taxpayers back several hundred dollars apiece of their own money, the idea being that they will use this money to revive the U.S. economy by buying TV sets that were made in China. This will seem much more comical in the fall.
The battle between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton heats up as the two engage in a series of increasingly hostile debates, including one in which Secret Service agents have to tackle a large, angry, red-faced man who bursts from the audience shouting incoherently. This turns out to be Bill Clinton, who is swiftly dispatched by his wife's campaign to work his magic on voters in the crucial Guam caucuses.
On the Republican side, John McCain emerges as the front-runner when Mitt Romney drops out of the race, citing ``motherboard issues.''
Abroad, Fidel Castro steps down after 49 years as president of Cuba, explaining that he wants to spend more time decomposing. In selecting his successor, the Cuban National Assembly, after conducting an exhaustive nationwide search, selects Fidel's brother, Raúl, who narrowly edges out Dennis Kucinich.
In sports, the undefeated New England Patriots lose the Super Bowl to the New York Giants in a stunning upset that confounds the experts, not to mention Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, which had $38 billion on the Pats to win.
Speaking of losers, in . . .
MARCH
. . . New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer becomes embroiled in an embarrassing scandal when a criminal investigation reveals that he looks like a large suit-wearing rodent. Also he has been seeing a high-class prostitute known as ''Kristen'' in a Washington, D.C., hotel. Spitzer resigns in disgrace; ''Kristen,'' hounded by the press and no longer able to pursue her profession, receives a $23 billion bailout from the federal government.
In politics, Barack Obama addresses the issue of why, in his 20 years of membership in Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago, he failed to notice that the pastor, Jeremiah Wright, is a racist lunatic. In a major televised address widely hailed for its brilliance, Obama explains that . . . OK, nobody really remembers what the actual explanation was. But everybody agrees it was mesmerizing.
Obama's opponent, Hillary Clinton, gets into a controversy of her own when she claims that, as first lady, she landed in Bosnia ''under sniper fire.'' News outlets quickly locate archive video showing that she was in fact greeted with a welcoming ceremony featuring an 8-year-old girl reading a poem. Clinton's campaign releases a statement pointing out that it was ``a pretty long poem.''
On the Republican side, John McCain wraps up the nomination and embarks on a series of strategic naps.
On Wall Street, J.P. Morgan buys Bear Stearns; nobody really understands what this means, but it is clearly bad. Abroad, the dollar declines to the point where currency traders are using it solely for wiping up spills. Both Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac apply to be contestants on Deal Or No Deal.
In environmental news, Earth Hour is observed on March 29, when cities around the world display their commitment to conserving energy by turning out their lights for one hour. When the lights come back on, Detroit is missing.
In sports, the troubled Olympic torch becomes embroiled in a protest riot in Athens; witnesses claim the torch ''reeked of alcohol.'' In football, beloved Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre retires and embarks on a series of emotional farewell events, several of which are still going on when he signs to play for the Jets.
Speaking of emotional, in . . .
APRIL
. . . tensions run high in the Pennsylvania Democratic primary, which all the experts agree is extremely crucial. Barack Obama gets into trouble with rural voters for saying that rural Americans are ''bitter'' and ''cling to guns or religion.'' Responding to charges that this statement is elitist, Obama responds: ``You are getting sleepy. Very sleepy.''
Seeking to capitalize on Obama's gaffe, Hillary Clinton starts channeling Annie Oakley, tossing down shots of whiskey and talking about her love of guns and hunting. After one particularly long day on the trail, she grabs a Secret Service agent's pistol and attempts to shoot a deer; instead she wounds a reporter, thereby sealing her victory in the Pennsylvania primary, which turns out to not actually be all that crucial because the Democratic race keeps right on going with no sign of ending in the current decade.
On the Republican side, John McCain gets wind of something called the ''Internet'' and orders his staff to give him a summary of it on index cards.
In economic news, the price of gasoline tops $4 a gallon, meaning the cost of filling up an average car is now $50, or, for Hummer owners, $17,500. Congress, responding to the financial pain of the American people, goes into partisan gridlock faster than ever before, with Republicans demanding that the oil companies immediately start drilling everywhere, including cemeteries, and Democrats calling for a massive effort to develop alternative energy sources such as wind, the sun, tides, comets, Al Gore and dragon breath, using technology expected to be perfected sometime this millennium. It soon becomes clear that Congress will not actually do anything, so Americans start buying less gasoline.
The economic news is also gloomy for the U.S. automotive industry, where General Motors, in a legally questionable move aimed at boosting its sagging car sales, comes out with a new model called ``The Chevrolet Toyota.''
In sports, the troubled Olympic torch punches a photographer while entering a San Francisco hotel at 3 a.m. with Lindsay Lohan.
Speaking of trouble, in . . .
MAY
. . . the International Atomic Energy Agency releases a report stating that Iran is actively developing nuclear warheads. In response, Iran issues a statement asserting that (1) it absolutely is not developing nuclear warheads, and (2) these are peaceful warheads. The United States, the United Kingdom, Germany, France, Russia and China convene an emergency meeting, during which they manage, in heated negotiations, to talk France out of surrendering.
Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac invest $17 billion in an Herbalife franchise.
In presidential politics, the increasingly bitter fight for the Democratic nomination intensifies when Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton hold a televised debate, moderated by PBS anchor Jim Lehrer, that consists entirely of spitting.
On the Republican side, John McCain, preparing for the fall campaign, purchases a new necktie.
The big spring Hollywood hit is the film version of Sex and the City, which draws millions of movie-goers, including an estimated three men, two of whom thought they were in the theater for the fourth Indiana Jones movie, Indiana Jones Experiences Frequent Nighttime Urination. The riveting plot of Sex and the City, which runs for nearly two-and-a-half hours, involves the efforts of Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte to plan Carrie's wedding -- Finally! -- to ''Mr. Big,'' only to have things go awry when mutant vampire moles bore up through the church floor and suck the blood out of the wedding party through their feet.
In sports, both the Kentucky Derby and the Indianapolis 500 are won by Usain Bolt.
Speaking of victory, in . . .
JUNE
. . . Barack Obama finally claims the bitterly contested Democratic nomination when Hillary Clinton, behind on delegates and in debt to the tune of $25 million, including $9 million for hairspray alone, suspends her campaign and declares that she has ''no hard feelings'' and will do ''whatever it takes'' to help Obama get elected ''even though he is scum.'' Bill Clinton, at his wife's side, nods vigorously, but is unable to speak because of the restraining device. A gracious John McCain tells the press that he ''looks forward to a spirited debate with Sen. Mondale.'' Before he can take questions he is informed by his aides that he has an important meeting.
In other campaign-related news, Chicago developer Tony Rezko, a former Obama associate and fundraiser, is convicted on corruption charges, but the press realizes that this is not an issue after Obama explains that it is not an issue.
President George W. Bush takes one last official trip to Europe to meet with European leaders. Unfortunately they are not home.
In economic news, Chrysler announces a plan to lay off workers who have not been born yet. The lone economic bright spot is the iPhone, which is selling like crazy thanks to the release of a new model enhanced with the capability of sucking pieces of your brain out through your ear until all you want to do is play with your iPhone.
Speaking of vegetables, the big scare in June comes from the Food and Drug Administration, which announces that tomatoes are killing people. A wave of fear grips the nation as supermarket shoppers stampede from the produce section, causing several fatal shopping-cart mishaps. At the height of the panic, with the tomato industry reeling, the FDA declares that, oops, the killer might NOT be tomatoes, but some other vegetable, possibly jalapeño peppers, but nobody knows for sure. Eventually everyone calms down, but not before a bank in Cleveland is held up by a man wielding only a stalk of asparagus.
The scientific community is elated by NASA's announcement that the Phoenix lander has detected ice on Mars. The elation turns to concern when, several hours later, the lander detects a Zamboni machine.
Tiger Woods, in an epic performance, wins the U.S. Open playing on an injured and very painful knee, thereby proving, beyond all doubt, that golf is not a real sport.
Speaking of epic performances, in . . .
JULY
. . . Barack Obama, having secured North and South America, flies to Germany without using an airplane and gives a major speech -- speaking English and German simultaneously -- to 200,000 mesmerized Germans, who immediately elect him chancellor, prompting France to surrender.
Meanwhile John McCain, at a strategy session at a golf resort, tells his top aides to prepare a list of potential running mates, stressing that he wants somebody ''who is completely, brutally honest.'' Unfortunately, because of noise from a lawn mower, the aides think McCain said he wants somebody ''who has competed in a beauty contest.'' This will lead to trouble down the road.
Speaking of trouble, the economic news continues to worsen with the discovery that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac have sent $87 billion to a Nigerian businessman with a compelling e-mail story.
Also troubling is the news from Iran, which test-fires some long-range missiles, although Iranian President Wackjob Lunatic insists that Iran intends to use these missiles ``for stump removal.''
In sports, the government of China, in an effort to improve air quality for the Beijing Olympics, bans flatulence.
Speaking of Olympian, in . . .
AUGUST
. . . Barack Obama, continuing to shake up the establishment, selects as his running mate Joe Biden, a tireless fighter for change since he was first elected to the U.S. Senate in 1849. The Democratic Party gathers in Denver to formally nominate Obama, who descends from his Fortress of Solitude to mesmerize the adoring crowd with an acceptance speech objectively described by The New York Times as ``comparable to the Gettysburg Address, only way better.''
Meanwhile John McCain, still searching for the perfect running mate, tells his top aides in a conference call that he wants ''someone who is capable of filling my shoes.'' Unfortunately, he is speaking into the wrong end of his cellular phone, and his aides think he said ''someone who is capable of killing a moose.'' Shortly thereafter McCain stuns the world, and possibly himself, by selecting Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, a no-nonsense hockey mom with roughly 114 children named after random nouns such as ``Hamper.''
In yet another troubling economic indicator, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac rob a liquor store.
Internationally, the big story is the Olympic games, which begin under a cloud of controversy when journalists in Beijing, who were promised unfettered Internet access by the Chinese government, discover that no matter what address they enter into their browsers, they wind up on Chairman Mao's Facebook page (he has 1.3 billion friends). But even the critics are blown away by the spectacular opening ceremony, which features the entire population of Asia performing the Electric Slide.
The games themselves are dominated by swimmer Michael Phelps, who wins eight gold medals, thus putting himself on a sounder financial footing than the U.S. Treasury. China wins the gold-medal count, although critics charge that some of China's 11-year-old female gymnasts are under the minimum age of 16. Chinese officials refute this charge by noting, correctly, that they have tanks.
Elsewhere abroad, war breaks out between Russia and Georgia over South Ossetia and Abkhazia, serving as a stark reminder that, in an increasingly uncertain world, we, as Americans, have no idea where these places are.
Speaking of uncertainty, in . . .
SEPTEMBER
. . . the Republican convention gets off to a tentative start in St. Paul when President Bush and Vice President Cheney are unable to attend, partly because of Hurricane Gustav, and partly because the organizers told them that the convention was in Atlanta. The mood improves when Sarah Palin dazzles the delegates with her winning smile, detailed knowledge of what is on the teleprompter, and spot-on imitation of Tina Fey. The next night, John McCain, formally accepting the nomination, pledges to run ''a totally incoherent campaign.'' None of this is reported in the media because the entire press corps is in Wasilla, Alaska, investigating rumors that Palin once dated a yeti.
But the presidential campaign is soon overshadowed by the troubled economy. The federal government is finally forced to take over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac after they are caught selling crack at a middle school. But that is not enough, as major financial institutions, having lost hundreds of billions of dollars thanks to years of engaging in practices ranging from questionable to moronic, begin failing, which gives the federal government an idea: Why not give these institutions MORE hundreds of billions of dollars, generously provided by taxpayers?
This plan is discussed and debated in urgent meetings in Washington attended by the president, the cabinet, congressional leaders, Sen. Obama, Sen. McCain and all other concerned parties except the actual taxpayers, who are not invited because they are, with all due respect, way too stupid to understand high finance. The taxpayers are repeatedly assured, however, that unless they fork over $700 billion, the economy will go right down the toilet. And so it comes to pass that in . . .
OCTOBER
. . . Congress passes, and Technically Still President Bush signs, the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008, and everyone heaves a sigh of relief as the economy stabilizes for approximately 2.7 seconds, after which it resumes going down the toilet. As world financial markets collapse like fraternity pledges at a keg party and banks fail around the world, the International Monetary Fund implements an emergency program under which anybody who opens a checking account anywhere on earth gets a free developing nation. But it is not enough; the financial system is in utter chaos. At one point a teenage girl in Worcester, Mass., attempts to withdraw $25 from an ATM and winds up acquiring Wells Fargo.
As the crisis worsens, an angry Congress, determined to get some answers, holds hearings and determines that whoever is responsible for this mess, it is definitely not Congress. Meanwhile all the cable-TV financial experts agree that since they totally failed to predict this disaster, they will stop pretending they have a clue what the markets are going to do and henceforth confine themselves to topics they can discuss knowledgeably, such as what time it is.
Just kidding! They'd get that wrong, too.
The economy dominates the presidential campaign, with the focal point being ''Joe the Plumber,'' an Ohio resident who asks Barack Obama a mildly confrontational question about tax policy and within hours is more famous than the Dalai Lama. He draws intense scrutiny from the news media, which, using investigative reporters borrowed from the Palin-yeti beat, determine that ''Joe the Plumber'' is in fact (1) not named Joe, (2) not a plumber, (3) a citizen of Belgium, and (4) biologically, a woman.
In the presidential debates, John McCain, looking and sounding increasingly like the late Walter Brennan, cites Joe the Plumber a record 847 times while charging that Obama's tax policies amount to socialism. Obama, ahead of McCain by double digits in the polls and several hundred million dollars in money, skips the debates so he can work on his inaugural address. The New York Times declares his performance ``masterful.''
In non-economic news, a Las Vegas jury convicts O.J. Simpson on 12 counts of being an unbelievable idiot. He faces more than 60 years in jail, which could end his relentless quest to find the killer of the people he stabbed to death in 1994.
In sports, the entire nation rejoices as the World Series is won, yet again, by a team other than the New York Yankees.
Speaking of winning, in . . .
NOVEMBER
. . . Barack Obama, in a historic triumph, becomes the nation's first black president since the second season of 24, setting off an ecstatically joyful and boisterous all-night celebration that at times threatens to spill out of The New York Times newsroom. Obama, following through on his promise to bring change to Washington, quickly begins assembling an administration consisting of a diverse group of renegade outsiders, ranging all the way from lawyers who attended Ivy League schools and then worked in the Clinton administration to lawyers who attended entirely different Ivy league schools and then worked in the Clinton administration.
But the hopeful mood is dampened by grim economic news. The stock market plummets farther as investors realize that the only thing that had been keeping the economy afloat was the millions of dollars spent daily on TV commercials for presidential candidates explaining how they would fix the economy. As it becomes increasingly clear that the federal government's plan of giving hundreds of billions of dollars to dysfunctional companies has not fixed the problem, the government comes up with a bold new plan: give more hundreds of billions of dollars to dysfunctional companies. Soon the government is in a bailout frenzy, handing out money left and right, at one point accidentally giving $14 billion to a man delivering a Domino's pizza to the Treasury building.
More and more companies seek federal help, among them the troubled ''big three'' auto makers, whose chief executives fly to Washington in three separate corporate jets to ask Congress for $25 billion, explaining that if they don't get the money, they will be unable to continue making cars that Americans are not buying.
In space, NASA's woes continue when an astronaut attempting to repair the troubled multibillion-dollar international space station accidentally lets go of a special $100,000 space tool bag, which drifts away, taking with it the special $17,000 space washer needed to fix the station's special, but troubled, space toilet. NASA announces that it will now have to send up a special space plumber, who charges $38 million an hour.
In sports, New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress shoots himself in the thigh in a New York City nightclub, using a gun he carried to protect himself from bad things that might happen to him, such as getting shot.
Speaking of bad things, in . . .
DECEMBER
. . . the National Bureau of Declaring Things That Make You Go ''Duh'' declares that the nation has been in a recession since December of 2007. The bureau also points out that, according to its statistical analysis, ``for some time now, bears apparently have been going to the bathroom in the woods.''
The CEOs of the Increasingly Small Three auto makers return to Washington to resume pleading for a bailout, this time telling Congress that if they can reach an agreement that day, they will throw in the undercoating, the satellite-radio package AND a set of floor mats. ''We're actually LOSING MONEY on this deal!'' they assure Congress. Finally they reach a $13.4 billion agreement under which the car companies will continue to provide jobs, medical insurance and pension benefits, but will cease producing actual cars. The agreement will be overseen by the federal government, using its legendary ability to keep things on budget.
President-elect Obama, continuing to bring change in the form of fresh-faced Washington outsiders, announces that his secretary of state will be Hillary Clinton. The position of secretary of defense, currently held by Bush appointee Robert Gates, will be filled by Bush appointee Robert Gates. Responding to rumors that he also plans to retain Dick Cheney, Obama insists that he has tried to ask the vice president to leave, ``but nobody knows where he is.''
In other political news, federal authorities arrest Democratic Illinois Gov. Rod ''Rod'' Blagojevich after wiretaps reveal that he was . . . OK, that he was being the governor of Illinois. Everybody is very, very shocked. Meanwhile the recount in the extremely tight Minnesota Senate race between Norm Coleman and Al Franken is thrown into disarray with the discovery that more than 13,000 of the ballots were cast by residents of Palm Beach County, Fla.
But the economy remains the dominant issue, with retailers reporting weak holiday sales as many shoppers pass up pricier gifts such as jewelry and big-screen TVs in favor of toilet paper and jerky. As the year draws to a close, the president's Council of Economic Advisers warns that the current recession ''could spiral downward into a full-blown depression,'' leaving the U.S. with ``no viable economic option but to declare war on Japan.''
In another troubling note, U.S. intelligence sources report that Iran is developing ``a gigantic rocket-powered shoe.''
Adding to the year-end gloom is a congressionally appointed bipartisan commission on terrorism, which releases a troubling report asserting that there is an 80 percent chance that within the next two years, a major U.S. city will be struck, with devastating consequences, by ``an 18,000 mile-per-hour tool bag from space.''
The point is, if you have any money left, you should spend it soon.
And happy New Year.
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Just a thought...
A meteoric rise to fame is an oxymoron because meteors always fall to Earth! But then it could have been coined to represent the instability and transcience of fame.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Our new family member, Lily
We got a chihuahua yesterday so our daughter can have a little dog of her own. She's so sweet. I've never had such a tiny dog. We have two much bigger dogs and two cats. Makes it interesting around here...
*Getting our little dog has made me realize that my life would be so much easier without the 2 big crazy dogs. I love them, but they tend to corner the baby dog.
Anyone want 2 big black wacky mutts???
My 20 New Year's Resolutions
1. Do Wii Fit every day for at least 30 minutes.
2. Lose at least 5 pounds (small goals are better than huge ones).
3. Keep my temper about trifling shit.
4. Do a little more housework every day.
5. Find one thing to be happy about every day.
6. Eat only when I am hungry and not when I am bored, sad, angry, or because it is a time that ends in o'clock.
7. Read Ava at least one book every day.
8. Only stay on the computer 2 hours max every day.
9. Don't let Ava watch more than 2 Spongebob shows a day.
10. Don't take life so goddamned seriously.
11. Do something really fun with the family at least once a month.
12. Think about what I say for a minute before saying it if it is a complaint.
13. Remember that it is okay to be pissed off if I have a valid complaint.
14. Try not to be so superstitious about things like ending a list of resolutions at number 13.
15. Finish what I start and don't just do it half-assed.
16.
17.
18.
19.
20.
2. Lose at least 5 pounds (small goals are better than huge ones).
3. Keep my temper about trifling shit.
4. Do a little more housework every day.
5. Find one thing to be happy about every day.
6. Eat only when I am hungry and not when I am bored, sad, angry, or because it is a time that ends in o'clock.
7. Read Ava at least one book every day.
8. Only stay on the computer 2 hours max every day.
9. Don't let Ava watch more than 2 Spongebob shows a day.
10. Don't take life so goddamned seriously.
11. Do something really fun with the family at least once a month.
12. Think about what I say for a minute before saying it if it is a complaint.
13. Remember that it is okay to be pissed off if I have a valid complaint.
14. Try not to be so superstitious about things like ending a list of resolutions at number 13.
15. Finish what I start and don't just do it half-assed.
16.
17.
18.
19.
20.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
All I want for Xmas...
...is to get a GOOD haircut and buy some clothes that take me out of frumpy and frazzled housewife mode.
I was thinking of a massage and a manicure/pedicure, but that's not going to last like a good pair of pants or a stylish 'do.
(Dear Supreme Being, do I sound like a fashion magazine?)
**Update** I went and got a stacked bob haircut...first new hairdo I've had in 8 years. I like it. Here is what a stacked bob looks like, but no, this is not me. My hair is very, very dark. Ivy made it stick-straight and I normally have very curly hair.
Now I just need some new clothes...
I was thinking of a massage and a manicure/pedicure, but that's not going to last like a good pair of pants or a stylish 'do.
(Dear Supreme Being, do I sound like a fashion magazine?)
**Update** I went and got a stacked bob haircut...first new hairdo I've had in 8 years. I like it. Here is what a stacked bob looks like, but no, this is not me. My hair is very, very dark. Ivy made it stick-straight and I normally have very curly hair.
Now I just need some new clothes...
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Monday, December 08, 2008
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Night Sky Over Houston
| Sky map by AstroViewer® |
I became interested in astronomy when I was teaching Ava about the Solar System. I was so excited when you could see the moon, Jupiter and Venus at once on December 1st!! You can see them slowly moving away from the Moon and each other in the night sky.
It is automatically updated day and night.
The coolest astonomy download I've ever seen is Celestia. Try it if you like that sort of thing.
Richard Cheese and Lounge Against the Machine
Ah, yes. This makes me so happy.
I feel the need...the need for CHEESE!
Friday, December 05, 2008
Gren from the Urban Dictionary and Google searches
1. Gren
Alcoholic wife beater loser. Lives with mother slapper. No real mates gay.
That's gren lad, have pity.
2. Gren
Meaning "Weed".
i.e short for "Green"
Mostly used in the South East of England (e.g Bournemouth/Southampton)
"Bruv anyone got any gren at the mo?"
"Nah everyone's dry, but there's some block going about I think"
Unbeknownst to me, I am a social outcast, a slang word for an illicit drug, a deceased cartoonist, an association of independent musicians who share common interests in Classical, Russian, Israeli and Klezmer music, a Windows 9x/2000 renaming utility and an automotive parts manufacturer of auto brake rotors, drums, pads, radiators and wiper blades.
Hardeeharhar! Who knew!
I feel so...so SPECIAL!!!
Alcoholic wife beater loser. Lives with mother slapper. No real mates gay.
That's gren lad, have pity.
2. Gren
Meaning "Weed".
i.e short for "Green"
Mostly used in the South East of England (e.g Bournemouth/Southampton)
"Bruv anyone got any gren at the mo?"
"Nah everyone's dry, but there's some block going about I think"
Unbeknownst to me, I am a social outcast, a slang word for an illicit drug, a deceased cartoonist, an association of independent musicians who share common interests in Classical, Russian, Israeli and Klezmer music, a Windows 9x/2000 renaming utility and an automotive parts manufacturer of auto brake rotors, drums, pads, radiators and wiper blades.
Hardeeharhar! Who knew!
I feel so...so SPECIAL!!!
Ad Hoc, Ad Loc and Quid Pro Quo!
Lorem ipsum vim ut utroque mandamus intellegebat, ut eam omittam ancillae sadipscing, per et eius soluta veritus.
Yep.
***This is what is written in the body of the default post when you configure the layout of the blog. Ya know, layout, blog edit...etc. here on Blogger.com. Scroll down below the settings and you'll see it. It's jibberish, but the first 2 words are actual Latin and the rest of it looks enough like Latin to confuse everyone.***
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorem_ipsum
And the title comes from what Jeremy says in Yellow Submarine!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeremy_Hilary_Boob
Yep.
***This is what is written in the body of the default post when you configure the layout of the blog. Ya know, layout, blog edit...etc. here on Blogger.com. Scroll down below the settings and you'll see it. It's jibberish, but the first 2 words are actual Latin and the rest of it looks enough like Latin to confuse everyone.***
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorem_ipsum
And the title comes from what Jeremy says in Yellow Submarine!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeremy_Hilary_Boob
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Zzzzzzzzz
The minutiae of daily life is chronicled in tedious detail on www.dullestblog.com. This site makes me feel like Evel Kneivel!
50 Oh So Very Random and Probably Irrelevant Things About Me, Gren
I doubt anyone will read this...
1. I have an irrational fear of small holes and groups of holes, like honeycombs.
2. I have a hard time standing up for myself and I need to be more assertive. (If it's okay with you...!) hahaha
3. I love learning languages and I am pretty proficient in French. Gren is from grenouille (frog in French)...it's one of my favorite words in French along with fromage (cheese). Don't know why. I like other "ouille" words in French b/c they are fun to pronounce!!!! (For me, because I am language geek).
4. I taught French at a rural high school in Louisiana for 3 years.
5. I tend toward nostalgia and thinking of how things should have or could have been in my life.
6. "The Slithy Toves" comes from a line in Lewis Carroll's Jabberwocky.
7. I tend to appreciate absurdity in art, comedy, films...and in real life. I have a very, very dry sense of humor. I like Monty Python and Flight of the Conchords for that reason.
8. I was a loner as a kid/teenager, and stayed in my room most of the time, listening to The Beatles, Jefferson Airplane, etc. and drawing and daydreaming.
9. People have told me to "lighten up" throughout my life.
10. I enjoy learning about other cultures, religions, and social customs.
11. I miss my family in Louisiana so much and I talk to my mom everyday on the phone. I cry almost everytime they leave here from a visit.
12. I worry too much about whether other people like me. And I hate conflict.
13. Sometimes I might come across as aloof because I either don't know what to say or I figure the other people don't like me anyway.
14. I would say I'm a tad complex.
15. But some people say you can read me like a book.
16. My 13th birthday was on Friday the 13th. Oooooooh!
17. I love crossword puzzles, anagrams, mad-libs, any kind of word games.
18. I also love games like Jeopardy and Trivial Pursuit.
19. But my math skills SUCK.
20. I like to look at dictionaries, encyclopedias, atlases, most reference books.
21. I also like to play The Sims 2 and make myself, my family, friends and famous people and watch them "live".
22. I don't have a lot of free time to do much of the above anymore...
23. ...because I am a stay at home mom and have been for 4 years.
24. I believe being a stay at home mom is a REAL JOB, damnit, and it's not all about sitting around in my skivvies all day eating Pop Tarts and watching SpongeBob!
25. I have a tendency to start my sentences with the pronoun I, to use "quotation marks" and CAPITAL LETTERS in them and to end them with exclamation points!!!!!!!
26. I like to make lists, but not as much as in the past. I am still in recovery. I used to make lists of what I needed to do instead of doing those things. :/
27. I love rings...especially silver and ones with unusual stones, like hematite.
28. Based on a questionnaire, my animal totem is a lion and it helps me to remember to take charge of my life and be aggressive when needed. I think it fits (see #2).
29. I love to laugh and to make other people laugh. People have said I am funny. Sometimes I hear crickets when I try too hard to be funny.
30. My mom would always sing to me (real songs and made up songs, too!) when I was a kid. I sing to Ava all the time.
31. I have had a love affair with the Beatles since I was about 7 years old when I heard "Penny Lane" on AM radio. And when I saw Paul McCartney in a teen magazine my aunt saved from 1965, I fell hopelessly in love. I had all their albums (VINYL!) by the time I graduated from high school. There is no one who can touch them for me.
32. I love seafood, esp. shrimp. And my favorite color is red. Damn, now you have peered into my soul and there is NO GOING BACK. I feel so naked.
33. I have discovered that potty training a child is quite difficult.
34. Even though I quit teaching 7 years ago, I still remember all my students and wonder how they are.
35. I like to read the obituary section of several newspapers from where I used to live. My husband thinks this is morbid, but I feel a need to know who has died that I used to know.
36. The most beautiful place I have ever been is Lucerne, Switzerland.
37. People have told me I have a very nice voice and that I read stories and things aloud well. I have read passages for relatives at weddings and funerals. But I do mumble sometimes or talk too softly when I am less than confident.
38. Sometimes I come across as pre-occupied or self-absorbed. Enough about me, what do YOU think of me? ;)
39. At times talk and write like Yoda I do. Why at the end of the sentence the subject and verb do I put?
40. I started liking SpongeBob SquarePants since I started watching it with Ava last month. I have seen every episode! I really like Squidward Tentacles.
41. I hope number 37 doesn't make me sound like an arrogant ass.
42. I am now on number 42 and I am excited about it!!!! Why? Because 42 is the answer to life, the universe, everything.
43. I check too often to see if people have made comments on here.
44. Throughout my life and even now, I have tended to be a follower. When I was a kid, if someone asked me if I liked a band or movie, I would ask if they liked it before I gave an answer. If they liked it, I liked it, too. I try to remember that it is okay to have a differing opinion from others and that I do not have to defend my opinion or denigrate others' opinions.
45. I love to window shop on the Internet. I'll go to a site like Neiman Marcus, fill up my cart with thousands of dollars of stuff and then bail out. Hardeharrhar.
46. The only time I truly have to myself is the wee hours of the night when everyone else is asleep. I don't take advantage of it often because then I can't wake up early enough the next day.
47. I do have a part-time job that I adore. I am teaching English to a 10-year-old boy from Vietnam who is here in Houston until next year. I can see a big improvement since we met last November. We see each other 4 days a week. I feel like he and his family are a part of my own. He has taught me just as much as I have taught him. He is a fantastic artist and an expert on the Titanic and other ocean liners, airplanes, whales, chess, and building intricate models of ships from Legos.
48. Losing weight, especially after pregnancy and while being a stay-at-home mom is hard as hell.
49. I love doing work in my yard, especially planting flowers and bushes. It's really gratifying to see them grow. I bought a wilted little plant from the store precisely because it was in such bad shape and I wanted to help it. It is beautiful and healthy now.
50. Phew! Making a list like this was fun, but I really had to delve into my mind to find enough things to write about. I hope I didn't drone on too much about myself. But there I am, in black and white and in lovely list form, numbered for your convenience. The last tidbit about me is that I used to love taking personality tests to find out who I am. I even got a book about the MMPI (the mother of psychological tests back in the day) when I was in college and administered it to myself. Haha, it told me I was an insecure introvert!!!! The conclusion I have drawn from all that self-analysis is that I love to do self-analysis. I don't do it anymore. So much more to life there is!!!
Happy Holidays!!!
Gren
***All the above things are true about me, but I want to say that above all else, I adore my little girl who will be 4 on December 14th. She is my sunlight and my inspiration! Being a mom is the most rewarding, challenging and important thing I have ever done.***
1. I have an irrational fear of small holes and groups of holes, like honeycombs.
2. I have a hard time standing up for myself and I need to be more assertive. (If it's okay with you...!) hahaha
3. I love learning languages and I am pretty proficient in French. Gren is from grenouille (frog in French)...it's one of my favorite words in French along with fromage (cheese). Don't know why. I like other "ouille" words in French b/c they are fun to pronounce!!!! (For me, because I am language geek).
4. I taught French at a rural high school in Louisiana for 3 years.
5. I tend toward nostalgia and thinking of how things should have or could have been in my life.
6. "The Slithy Toves" comes from a line in Lewis Carroll's Jabberwocky.
7. I tend to appreciate absurdity in art, comedy, films...and in real life. I have a very, very dry sense of humor. I like Monty Python and Flight of the Conchords for that reason.
8. I was a loner as a kid/teenager, and stayed in my room most of the time, listening to The Beatles, Jefferson Airplane, etc. and drawing and daydreaming.
9. People have told me to "lighten up" throughout my life.
10. I enjoy learning about other cultures, religions, and social customs.
11. I miss my family in Louisiana so much and I talk to my mom everyday on the phone. I cry almost everytime they leave here from a visit.
12. I worry too much about whether other people like me. And I hate conflict.
13. Sometimes I might come across as aloof because I either don't know what to say or I figure the other people don't like me anyway.
14. I would say I'm a tad complex.
15. But some people say you can read me like a book.
16. My 13th birthday was on Friday the 13th. Oooooooh!
17. I love crossword puzzles, anagrams, mad-libs, any kind of word games.
18. I also love games like Jeopardy and Trivial Pursuit.
19. But my math skills SUCK.
20. I like to look at dictionaries, encyclopedias, atlases, most reference books.
21. I also like to play The Sims 2 and make myself, my family, friends and famous people and watch them "live".
22. I don't have a lot of free time to do much of the above anymore...
23. ...because I am a stay at home mom and have been for 4 years.
24. I believe being a stay at home mom is a REAL JOB, damnit, and it's not all about sitting around in my skivvies all day eating Pop Tarts and watching SpongeBob!
25. I have a tendency to start my sentences with the pronoun I, to use "quotation marks" and CAPITAL LETTERS in them and to end them with exclamation points!!!!!!!
26. I like to make lists, but not as much as in the past. I am still in recovery. I used to make lists of what I needed to do instead of doing those things. :/
27. I love rings...especially silver and ones with unusual stones, like hematite.
28. Based on a questionnaire, my animal totem is a lion and it helps me to remember to take charge of my life and be aggressive when needed. I think it fits (see #2).
29. I love to laugh and to make other people laugh. People have said I am funny. Sometimes I hear crickets when I try too hard to be funny.
30. My mom would always sing to me (real songs and made up songs, too!) when I was a kid. I sing to Ava all the time.
31. I have had a love affair with the Beatles since I was about 7 years old when I heard "Penny Lane" on AM radio. And when I saw Paul McCartney in a teen magazine my aunt saved from 1965, I fell hopelessly in love. I had all their albums (VINYL!) by the time I graduated from high school. There is no one who can touch them for me.
32. I love seafood, esp. shrimp. And my favorite color is red. Damn, now you have peered into my soul and there is NO GOING BACK. I feel so naked.
33. I have discovered that potty training a child is quite difficult.
34. Even though I quit teaching 7 years ago, I still remember all my students and wonder how they are.
35. I like to read the obituary section of several newspapers from where I used to live. My husband thinks this is morbid, but I feel a need to know who has died that I used to know.
36. The most beautiful place I have ever been is Lucerne, Switzerland.
37. People have told me I have a very nice voice and that I read stories and things aloud well. I have read passages for relatives at weddings and funerals. But I do mumble sometimes or talk too softly when I am less than confident.
38. Sometimes I come across as pre-occupied or self-absorbed. Enough about me, what do YOU think of me? ;)
39. At times talk and write like Yoda I do. Why at the end of the sentence the subject and verb do I put?
40. I started liking SpongeBob SquarePants since I started watching it with Ava last month. I have seen every episode! I really like Squidward Tentacles.
41. I hope number 37 doesn't make me sound like an arrogant ass.
42. I am now on number 42 and I am excited about it!!!! Why? Because 42 is the answer to life, the universe, everything.
43. I check too often to see if people have made comments on here.
44. Throughout my life and even now, I have tended to be a follower. When I was a kid, if someone asked me if I liked a band or movie, I would ask if they liked it before I gave an answer. If they liked it, I liked it, too. I try to remember that it is okay to have a differing opinion from others and that I do not have to defend my opinion or denigrate others' opinions.
45. I love to window shop on the Internet. I'll go to a site like Neiman Marcus, fill up my cart with thousands of dollars of stuff and then bail out. Hardeharrhar.
46. The only time I truly have to myself is the wee hours of the night when everyone else is asleep. I don't take advantage of it often because then I can't wake up early enough the next day.
47. I do have a part-time job that I adore. I am teaching English to a 10-year-old boy from Vietnam who is here in Houston until next year. I can see a big improvement since we met last November. We see each other 4 days a week. I feel like he and his family are a part of my own. He has taught me just as much as I have taught him. He is a fantastic artist and an expert on the Titanic and other ocean liners, airplanes, whales, chess, and building intricate models of ships from Legos.
48. Losing weight, especially after pregnancy and while being a stay-at-home mom is hard as hell.
49. I love doing work in my yard, especially planting flowers and bushes. It's really gratifying to see them grow. I bought a wilted little plant from the store precisely because it was in such bad shape and I wanted to help it. It is beautiful and healthy now.
50. Phew! Making a list like this was fun, but I really had to delve into my mind to find enough things to write about. I hope I didn't drone on too much about myself. But there I am, in black and white and in lovely list form, numbered for your convenience. The last tidbit about me is that I used to love taking personality tests to find out who I am. I even got a book about the MMPI (the mother of psychological tests back in the day) when I was in college and administered it to myself. Haha, it told me I was an insecure introvert!!!! The conclusion I have drawn from all that self-analysis is that I love to do self-analysis. I don't do it anymore. So much more to life there is!!!
Happy Holidays!!!
Gren
***All the above things are true about me, but I want to say that above all else, I adore my little girl who will be 4 on December 14th. She is my sunlight and my inspiration! Being a mom is the most rewarding, challenging and important thing I have ever done.***
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