Who the hell needs a title, anyway?

I cannot deny that I have been depressed since I quit teaching at R's. I was lucky to get the job, though it didn't pay much. The students are so smart, so ready to learn, and I let them down. Of course, I'm glad to be at home with Ava, but I feel like I gave up a chance to have a great career. Lately I've had a cold which probably contributes to my lethargy, but all I want to do is eat and/or sleep. I even emailed the school telling them that I was looking for a daycare that I would feel comfortable with, but I haven't even started looking yet. I got the email address from the classifieds. They'll probably wonder why the hell I was looking in the classifieds if I quit their school. I feel like such a fool. Granted, it was hard to get along with one vehicle and I was devastated because Ava was not eating or drinking all day at the daycare, but I didn't give R's a chance. They were offering to help me find a daycare, too. The only fucking place that was ever happy with my job performance, and I leave them high and dry. Honestly, I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't just "suck it up" and let Ava be miserable for a few weeks. I know she'll eventually have to go through it anyway, but hell, I wasn't ready to let her go. People are so divided on the work or stay home issue: it's very polarized. I haven't met anyone who didn't have a strong view one way or the other. I'm still torn because I feel I let the school and Ava down, because they are stranded without a teacher and Ava is getting no social interaction of any kind. And it's all my fault. I also hate the bizarre way I react to stress. I'll flee out of desperation, only to backtrack and apologize and make a bigger mess out of the situation. Damnit.

You know, I have a sad little existence. I have a blog and I am the only one who looks at it. And the saddest thing is that I keep checking to see if anyone has looked at it. Pathetic. I won't let many people get close to me and I'm too fucking afraid to venture out and do anything. Maybe that guy was right so long ago when he told me I have no life. It was true then and it is true now. I'd like to trade in my mind for a new one. My mind is not functioning because all my working memory is focused on rehashing the past. I keep thinking of times when I felt attractive and vital, yet no one could come near me. I've always lived my life from inside my head, where I made the rules and no one could hurt me. I could do the hurting if I wanted. Back then others were expendable and I jettisoned potential suitors left and right. Of course, any love affairs I had then were one-sided. Ha, they didn't even know I was interested in them. Now I'm married, and my head is still in the clouds. Oh, nice cliche there. Why not say your head is up your ass? That's such a banal expression, too.
Honestly, considering the way I've been all my life, I can almost understand why ALB is mean to me at times. I'd say I deserve it. Ah, depression is a motherfucker and I'm all up in it.

It's the Flab Three!

It's Flabby Road with the hits "He's So Heavy" and "He Got Stuck in the Bathroom Window."

Uncommon Goods I Like

Most of these things can be found and/or purchased on www.uncommongoods.com.
Usually when I visit sites like these (which is all the freaking time), I think about what other people would like. This is what I personally would like, or just think is cool.

Quench your thirst for something that straddles the line between fun and fine jewelry. Oregon-based artist Laura Beamer rivets recycled bottle caps to sterling silver for a refreshing new look that celebrates "pop" culture. The 16-inch bead chain dangling a diet cola pendant and its matching earrings pay tribute to a cola giant's first sugar-free drink that grew to prominence in the 80's, while the bracelet's burst of different flavors makes for a sweet carbonated concoction.

There is a Native American belief that birds are the messengers between heaven and earth. The tiny creatures also happen to have an excellent sense of direction! With this is mind, Susan LeVine designed this inspired set of guide birds. Each morning - or any time you feel the need - close your eyes and choose one of the darling painted ceramic birds. Place it on the green tree plate and let the painted word on its breast be your theme for the day. Each bird represents a different quality, such as “forgiveness,” “peace,” “gratitude,” “courage” and more. A thoughtful gift for a friend - or motivation to help you spread your own wings. Each set comes with 12 guide birds, a tree display plate, and a gift box.






Using recycled materials, designer Jessica Lee creates these one-of-a-kind bracelets, destined to become treasured pieces in your collection. Made from vintage pottery and reclaimed glass set in sterling silver, this unique bracelet is a lovely connection to the past, as well as a stylish look for the future. Due to the recycled nature of this piece, pottery and stained glass colors will vary.




These thermoses will add pep and refreshment to any outing, no matter what you're drinking. The beverage flasks feature a double glass carafe interior surrounded by a metal shell, with a flexible stopper, a handle for carrying and a side handle for easy pouring. These decorative containers work well for both hot and cold beverages, too. Choose from a striped or polka-dot pattern.


Add a graceful touch of nature to your home with this hand woven flower doormat. It's made from durable coconut fiber, so it'll get those feet cleaned quickly, and the mat gives your guests a warm welcome with its earthy tones and soft design. Handmade in the coastal villages of southern India.


Enhance your meditation and enlighten your mind with these scented candles that'll make any room a place you'll want to stay for hours.
Each candle features its own design, scent and thought-provoking proverb to make meditating - or just relaxing - all the more enjoyable and effective. Choose from warm sake, wasabi pear or umeboshi plum, or get the whole set. Each candle burns for 90 hours.

These playful playthings will always make you feel good. Colorful and soft, the laughing bag chuckles gleefully when squeezed, while the love bag professes his affection for you in three different ways. A great gift for someone who needs a pick-me-up, or anyone who just wants to have fun.

Before you accept Jesus into your heart, consider the following:

1) Would the presence of a divine redeemer compromise blood flow in your heart? If coronary problems do arise from said occupation, would He assist in defraying medical costs? Should He sign a waiver of liability before inhabiting your chest?
2) A wise person would definitely request that Jesus pay some rent for taking up all that space. I mean, somebody's got to make a living here.
3) Would the arrangement be considered a time-share as there are obviously other hearts in which Jesus has set up shop?
4) Could Jesus bring his pets? Is there a limit to how many sheep you will allow?
5) Given the relatively small space, one would have to tell Jesus that under no conditions would any of his apostles be allowed to crash there.
6) How about just letting Frankie Avalon into your heart?

Milton Keynes, anyone?

*UPDATE! UK A NO-GO-GO*

We might be moving to the UK so that Aaron will work on ShawTrac. We'll be there at leas a year. Here is a description of the town where he'll be working. As Auntie Jan predicted, my mom is shitting kittens at the prospect of us moving there.

There are not many cities in Europe where you can go shopping, snow-boarding, water-skiing and sailing - then catch a west-end show at a popular and successful theatre - so you may be surprised to learn that you can do all this and more in the ‘new city’ of Milton Keynes.
If you’re a sports fanatic you may be interested to know that Milton Keynes is fast becoming the UK’s extreme sports capital. Xscape is the ultimate leisure complex where you can practice skiing and snow-boarding on the slopes of the UK’s longest indoor real-snow slope, or try your hand at mountaineering on the indoor climbing wall. But if it’s water sports you’re after then head to Willen Lake where Whitecap Leisure offers you the opportunity to go water-skiing and wakeboarding on the UK’s longest cable tow.
If extreme shopping is your passion then you’ll be in paradise when you visit central Milton Keynes as it’s home to one of the longest indoor shopping centre’s in Europe. thecentre:mk expands over three miles and is accompanied by Midsummer Place and Xscape, which together provide more than 300 shops boasting big name designer and high street stores, restaurants and café’s. The adjacent Theatre District also offers a wide choice of restaurants and bars and is home to the UK’s most successful regional theatre, MK Theatre; and MK Gallery, which hosts around 10 free exhibitions every year.
Must see and do
Xscape, the ultimate leisure complex and real indoor snow slope, Milton Keynes
Willen Lake
thecentre:mk and Midsummer Place, Milton Keynes
Peace Pagoda
Bletchley Park and Station X
Woburn Abbey
Woburn Safari Park
Stowe Landscape Gardens
Gulliver’s Land
Grand Union Canal

This "ancient artifact" was planted at the British Museum (not in MK).

O Totem, My Totem

"What Would Basil Do?" I doubt that Basil's totem would be a butterfly. He would probably have a Newt or a Vole for his. Or a toad.

I took a test at www.crystal-cure.com and I was told my totem was a...

BUTTERFLY

You are a delightful soul that has transformed earlier neediness, greed, and survival programs into days that are filled with life and radiant sunshine. You are compassionate, knowing and understanding the suffering of others. You tend to feel or know that wherever you are, you are in the right place and the right time. You are a healer of the mind and soul. You know that man does not live by bread alone, and seek sustenance by drinking from the "ambrosia" of the gods. This communion with life and Spirit sustains you in good humor and even allows you to momentarily touch the ecstatic, in bliss, God, Grace, Spirit and Life.

You bring a smile, trust and a delight to the moment while empowering, imploring, and affirming the best of life in and for people. You are charming, and will have success in social and domestic relationships. Few can find fault with you, and you are usually are a pleasure to be around. You are fascinated with people and your visage is frequently that of a person that is radiant and oft times content.
The innocent, the child, the animals and most humans view you as being harmless. Others miss your sensitivity, and unless you are careful, you may protect your self by flitting around from person to person, job to job or party to party. You are self contained and must allow others that are not as quick or brilliant to be and share with you. You are the conductor in a divine symphony, and often are the only one that knows the score.
In business you must make the rounds and build good will with your customers, principles, vendors or others in your business or networking community. You are a mediator and diplomat. Get people together and you'll show how you shine. You may be asked to participate in a social, business or charity function. Join the Lions Club, Better Business Bureau, or local civic organization. Conversation should be about family, children and friends, not business. Profile your business by volunteering your time and effort, not just money.
A few thoughtful words coupled by minor gifts or demonstrations of gratitude will go along way in endearing yourself to others. This is a time to actively praise others for their effort and good work. Tickets to a game, a concert, or picking up the cost of a mini-vacation or gift certificate to a restaurant will reap a later harvest of gold.
You must stick to a schedule if you hope to accomplish anything during this time. Make sure your manners are impeccable and that you reformat topic matter to show the you have heard others concerns and their needs. Do not neglect the customer or person at hand for one that has just entered or interrupts you. There is a small window of opportunity, take advantage of it.
You may hear of a business acquaintance dying, leaving their post or being sought out by another company.
In love this is a time of being hopeful and optimistic. It is sunny skies with a forecast of no rain. You will have trouble carrying on the most simple of routines as your thoughts of your beloved flit through your brain, mind and body.
Remember there is a reason to have feet. Keep them connected to the ground. Even standing in one spot you'll cover more than 26, 000 miles in a single day. There are so many people to talk to and things to do that it may be difficult to find time to share or do some of the things you want. You may become so excited that you will incessantly talk, trying to share your life and excitement with those that can't see this magic mystery. Be sure to listen and let other people talk.
There truly is a miracle when two souls recognize, share and celebrate each other. Enjoy the time, do something spontaneous. There is no doubt that "Kismet" fate, or karma is involved. See what you can learn. You may find that you are at a perfect place and a perfect time.
There should be talks of life, children and dreams or visions of great felicity. It is not the best time to be the life of the party or the queen bee, for without trying you'll garner more attention than you can imagine.
BUTTERFLY = TRANSFORMATION, DANCE Of JOY

Is this just a bunch of Hoodoo-Voodoo?

Or does it represent a glimpse into the Divine?

Past: You have already come up with your own ideas about a major change in your life. You or another may have been in a "larval" state of consciousness, or an isolationist cocoon phase where you were hiding from everyone including yourself. You have gone through incredible changes over a considerable period of time. You probably didn't even know you were changing. There may be a need for other changes and lessons, but you can be sure you got the complete package now. You may have been taking lessons in the direction manual, but soon, if prepared, there will be a time put your lessons and decision into action.

Why I could never be a Pharmaceutical Sales Rep

Try it, it's so gooooood for you.
How many of you could bear to be told to have conversations like the ones in this article?
http://harpers.org/ASpoonfulOfSugar.html

Monster Jen

Jen is a Tiny Robot that is fitted with a Bulldozer Blade and an Electric Drill, has Wooden Panelling, crawls on Twenty Tiny Legs, and runs on Methane. Force: 1 Handling: 8 Weaponry: 2

And now for someone completely diffident...

Yeah, I know it's a bit cliche to use that line by MPFC, but who is going to read this tripe, anyway? This blog is for me. I do admit, I wish someone would read it, but then again, I'd be afraid of what they might think. I would gladly offer myself up for observation, but then because I'm still so introverted, I'd think too much about what others thought about what I wrote. Anyhoo. Today I'm happy. Can you believe that? Yes, I said it, ME. I feel good today. Can I attribute it to the caffeine in the Diet Coke and coffee I drank this morning? Or some secret chemical in the so-called sugar-free cookies I ate? Or is it because I've successfully weaned off that huge dose of Paxil? Whatever, I don't care. It's great not to be suffocating under the heavy cloak of depression, or to be constantly ripped apart by anxiety.
Here are some things I have realized about myself, especially since I've had a child:

I try too hard to be liked. I take my life too seriously. I obsess about the past, probably as a buffer against the present. I do have a pretty good sense of humor, when I'm not trying.

I hate the way this makes me sound: like I'm so self-obsessed.

How do I change? I want to unwrap the tendrils that have cut me off from others, and kept me focused on myself. It's too lonely here, and I want to reach out. But it's scary.

svelte 

Here today, tomorrow and next week

Ah, to be so nonchalant like our resident Nice-White-Cat we call Slim.
Ok, so I ripped that title from the Sugarcubes album. Big deal. I've been having a lot of anxiety lately and subsequently have not been very productive or nice to other people. I don't think I'm a very pleasant person: I probably would not like me if I wasn't myself. I might appear to be very sweet, but I don't feel that way on the inside.

the Infinite Sadness of Being

Why do people have to get old, sick and die? Why do I have such trouble accepting the fact that children must grow up and that people who are here now will one day be gone? I don't know what else to say.

From the desk of Ms. Futility 2005

Today I am in a particularly shitty mood, and I do not know why. I started feeling a bit peeved when I found that my soapstone incense burner that Aaron got me for our anniversary had been broken by one of the cats. Probably Minerva. Then I am overwhelmed by my lack of motivation or drive to do anything but eat and sleep. I seem to be regaining weight,but will I quit eating junk? It doesn't look like it, motherfucker. Thanks for asking. I called my mom and she told me that LF's last concert of her high school career will be tonight at 7pm. I told her I would bring Ava and then my fucking dad has to chime in and express his concern and/or displeasure over that. He needs to mind his own goddamned business. I'll bring her to the fucking concert if I want to. That's right, please meddle in my business. You make everything so much better. That kind of started me on a frustration binge.
Lately I am realizing that I do not like the person I have been all my life: selfish, lazy, insensitive. To name a few. Did I mention self-absorbed and hypocritical? And an awful fucking employee? Yep, it's true. Just ask LRS. Like Kurt Cobain once sang, I'd like to "beat me out of me."

I feel defeated and I haven't even decided to fight.

WWGD: What Would George Do?

The Pope is dead and I don't feel too good myself

I have a headache today, which actually began last night. I tried doing acupressure and it seemed to make my head hurt more. Maybe I was doing it wrong. My house is a fucking mess and I've got all day to clean it up. I was going to devote an hour to each of the things I wanted or needed to do: housecleaning, reading, Internet, drawing and sending thank you notes. But I got up late and all I have done so far is a little laundry. I did fix lunch, but it was only heating up corn dogs. Ooh, I took out the trash, too. My goodness, I'm on FIRE today. On a brighter note: we're getting cable back on Wednesday. I didn't realize what a companion tv was until we didn't have cable. Shit my head hurts. Later.

You will respect my authority!! 

Live from the Throes of Self-Doubt

I really meant well when I called her. We hadn't spoken in a while, and she has grown up so fast. She'll be graduating soon and then going to college, and no one knows where her mom will be. I only wanted to see how she was doing. When JF called me back, she did sound suspicious and a little hurt that I had only left the message for LF. Then she called my mom to ask her what was going on: i.e., why is everyone calling LF and MG all of a sudden? Why haven't I been calling my friends and relatives more often? What makes me such a hermit? I've always been like this, but I don't like it. It just takes so much energy to keep in contact with people, for me at least. I like other people, but I also like my privacy and time with my family. Like I told Kim a long time ago (which is probably why she stopped talking to me): I guess I'm just selfish. So are we all being selfish for not wanting JF to move so far away? Or are she and JS being selfish for wanting to find a job making the most amount of money possible, no matter where it might lead them? Why can't he find a job around here? I wish my mom and I had not meddled in this. At least, I wish I hadn't. Guilt is a bitch. And when I called MG to see if she wanted to get together this week, she sounded under-enthused. Or did I just take it that way? MG was right (as usual) that LF is just about grown and having JF around is not a necessity. Writing this is not clarifying how I feel, it just makes plain that I am confused and a bit embarrassed. Sigh. I shoulda used my Spidey Sense...

Seeing the Grim Reaper break into song with a beer in hand just makes my day!

C'est moi, a few years back.

My husband and my daughter...I am so lucky to have them both! 

My little milk monkey!

My sweet little doggie, Rags. I had her for 14 years and although she's been gone for almost 8 years, I still miss her so.

My homage to Frank Zappa. 

The 5 worst movies ever to grace my DVD player

1. Dreamcatcher
2. The Postman
3. Freddy Got Fingered
4. League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
5. Gangs of New York

What made them so awful? So heinous? Here's what I think:
1. May I never hear the phrase "Fuck me, Freddy" again so long as I live. The bastard who said that deserved to die. If you are perched on the toilet trying to hold down the lid so as to avoid a particularly nasty death, would your toothpick lying on the floor (covered in tainted blood...blood!) still matter to you, though your mouth longed for it so?
2. Kevin Costner. A hero. For delivering mail. Shudder.
3. I hope Tom Green shoots blanks, because his potential spawn is in mortal danger.
4. Mr. C. , you do us an egregious turn by starring in this film. A better film could have been made with action figures, so foul was the dialogue and the acting. Actually, that sounds pretty good. The characters were as flat as Kate Moss' chest.
5. How the fake accents did waver in this bloated, pompous and ultimately empty film! DD Lewis' character (or caricature) was so over the top, I had to laugh. Then I wanted to cry. And why the fuck did C. Diaz have to be in it? This movie was really made by Busby Berkeley! Who knew that everyone was so goddamned clean back then?

OK, I'm done.

the paradoxical Fear of no longer being Afraid

I just drank my 2nd cup of coffee and my 4-month-old daughter is asleep in my arms. My husband left for work about an hour ago and I am contemplating whether or not to go back to bed. I hear a train in the distance as well as the cool silence that the early morning brings. The potential that this blog opens to me is a rather scary one...I'm here to find out about myself and I'm afraid of what I might find. Or should I be excited that I am giving myself a chance at self-discovery, without worrying or caring what anyone else thinks? Sounds pretty liberating for a girl who has always been her own prisoner. MUST BE IN CONTROL AT ALL TIMES! That's no control at all, just fodder (or is it grist) for the anxiety and depression mills. And to think that I hold the key to my own cell! I see the key in the lock, pregnant with promise, but I am forced backwards into the corner of my cell, scared to death. Of what? Of living. Of not being afraid. Haha, I'm afraid of no longer being afraid. They think it's funny, too.
Hmm, my 3-year-old boxer Brules is staring at me, obviously expecting some sort of action on my part. Yes, Brules? Whatcha' want? His eyes bulge and his ears perk up. I'm surprised our lab Mazie isn't right there with him. She's the fun-seeker.
Typing with one hand is proving to be tiring (my child is in my left arm), so I'll post again later. This is fun. Thanks to an old friend for inadvertently leading me here.

What schizophrenia is and is not

Schizophrenia Is Not "Split Personality"
There is a common notion that schizophrenia is the same as "split personality"—a Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde switch in character.

This is not correct.

WHAT IS IT?
Schizophrenia is a chronic, severe, and disabling brain disease. People with schizophrenia often suffer terrifying symptoms such as hearing internal voices not heard by others, or believing that other people are reading their minds, controlling their thoughts, or plotting to harm them. These symptoms may leave them fearful and withdrawn. Their speech and behavior can be so disorganized that they may be incomprehensible or frightening to others.

I wish everyone would understand this.