I cannot deny that I have been depressed since I quit teaching at R's. I was lucky to get the job, though it didn't pay much. The students are so smart, so ready to learn, and I let them down. Of course, I'm glad to be at home with Ava, but I feel like I gave up a chance to have a great career. Lately I've had a cold which probably contributes to my lethargy, but all I want to do is eat and/or sleep. I even emailed the school telling them that I was looking for a daycare that I would feel comfortable with, but I haven't even started looking yet. I got the email address from the classifieds. They'll probably wonder why the hell I was looking in the classifieds if I quit their school. I feel like such a fool. Granted, it was hard to get along with one vehicle and I was devastated because Ava was not eating or drinking all day at the daycare, but I didn't give R's a chance. They were offering to help me find a daycare, too. The only fucking place that was ever happy with my job performance, and I leave them high and dry. Honestly, I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't just "suck it up" and let Ava be miserable for a few weeks. I know she'll eventually have to go through it anyway, but hell, I wasn't ready to let her go. People are so divided on the work or stay home issue: it's very polarized. I haven't met anyone who didn't have a strong view one way or the other. I'm still torn because I feel I let the school and Ava down, because they are stranded without a teacher and Ava is getting no social interaction of any kind. And it's all my fault. I also hate the bizarre way I react to stress. I'll flee out of desperation, only to backtrack and apologize and make a bigger mess out of the situation. Damnit.
You know, I have a sad little existence. I have a blog and I am the only one who looks at it. And the saddest thing is that I keep checking to see if anyone has looked at it. Pathetic. I won't let many people get close to me and I'm too fucking afraid to venture out and do anything. Maybe that guy was right so long ago when he told me I have no life. It was true then and it is true now. I'd like to trade in my mind for a new one. My mind is not functioning because all my working memory is focused on rehashing the past. I keep thinking of times when I felt attractive and vital, yet no one could come near me. I've always lived my life from inside my head, where I made the rules and no one could hurt me. I could do the hurting if I wanted. Back then others were expendable and I jettisoned potential suitors left and right. Of course, any love affairs I had then were one-sided. Ha, they didn't even know I was interested in them. Now I'm married, and my head is still in the clouds. Oh, nice cliche there. Why not say your head is up your ass? That's such a banal expression, too.
Honestly, considering the way I've been all my life, I can almost understand why ALB is mean to me at times. I'd say I deserve it. Ah, depression is a motherfucker and I'm all up in it.
