From the desk of Ms. Futility 2005

Today I am in a particularly shitty mood, and I do not know why. I started feeling a bit peeved when I found that my soapstone incense burner that Aaron got me for our anniversary had been broken by one of the cats. Probably Minerva. Then I am overwhelmed by my lack of motivation or drive to do anything but eat and sleep. I seem to be regaining weight,but will I quit eating junk? It doesn't look like it, motherfucker. Thanks for asking. I called my mom and she told me that LF's last concert of her high school career will be tonight at 7pm. I told her I would bring Ava and then my fucking dad has to chime in and express his concern and/or displeasure over that. He needs to mind his own goddamned business. I'll bring her to the fucking concert if I want to. That's right, please meddle in my business. You make everything so much better. That kind of started me on a frustration binge.
Lately I am realizing that I do not like the person I have been all my life: selfish, lazy, insensitive. To name a few. Did I mention self-absorbed and hypocritical? And an awful fucking employee? Yep, it's true. Just ask LRS. Like Kurt Cobain once sang, I'd like to "beat me out of me."

I feel defeated and I haven't even decided to fight.

WWGD: What Would George Do?

The Pope is dead and I don't feel too good myself

I have a headache today, which actually began last night. I tried doing acupressure and it seemed to make my head hurt more. Maybe I was doing it wrong. My house is a fucking mess and I've got all day to clean it up. I was going to devote an hour to each of the things I wanted or needed to do: housecleaning, reading, Internet, drawing and sending thank you notes. But I got up late and all I have done so far is a little laundry. I did fix lunch, but it was only heating up corn dogs. Ooh, I took out the trash, too. My goodness, I'm on FIRE today. On a brighter note: we're getting cable back on Wednesday. I didn't realize what a companion tv was until we didn't have cable. Shit my head hurts. Later.

You will respect my authority!! 

Live from the Throes of Self-Doubt

I really meant well when I called her. We hadn't spoken in a while, and she has grown up so fast. She'll be graduating soon and then going to college, and no one knows where her mom will be. I only wanted to see how she was doing. When JF called me back, she did sound suspicious and a little hurt that I had only left the message for LF. Then she called my mom to ask her what was going on: i.e., why is everyone calling LF and MG all of a sudden? Why haven't I been calling my friends and relatives more often? What makes me such a hermit? I've always been like this, but I don't like it. It just takes so much energy to keep in contact with people, for me at least. I like other people, but I also like my privacy and time with my family. Like I told Kim a long time ago (which is probably why she stopped talking to me): I guess I'm just selfish. So are we all being selfish for not wanting JF to move so far away? Or are she and JS being selfish for wanting to find a job making the most amount of money possible, no matter where it might lead them? Why can't he find a job around here? I wish my mom and I had not meddled in this. At least, I wish I hadn't. Guilt is a bitch. And when I called MG to see if she wanted to get together this week, she sounded under-enthused. Or did I just take it that way? MG was right (as usual) that LF is just about grown and having JF around is not a necessity. Writing this is not clarifying how I feel, it just makes plain that I am confused and a bit embarrassed. Sigh. I shoulda used my Spidey Sense...

Seeing the Grim Reaper break into song with a beer in hand just makes my day!

C'est moi, a few years back.

My husband and my daughter...I am so lucky to have them both! 

My little milk monkey!

My sweet little doggie, Rags. I had her for 14 years and although she's been gone for almost 8 years, I still miss her so.

My homage to Frank Zappa. 

The 5 worst movies ever to grace my DVD player

1. Dreamcatcher
2. The Postman
3. Freddy Got Fingered
4. League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
5. Gangs of New York

What made them so awful? So heinous? Here's what I think:
1. May I never hear the phrase "Fuck me, Freddy" again so long as I live. The bastard who said that deserved to die. If you are perched on the toilet trying to hold down the lid so as to avoid a particularly nasty death, would your toothpick lying on the floor (covered in tainted blood...blood!) still matter to you, though your mouth longed for it so?
2. Kevin Costner. A hero. For delivering mail. Shudder.
3. I hope Tom Green shoots blanks, because his potential spawn is in mortal danger.
4. Mr. C. , you do us an egregious turn by starring in this film. A better film could have been made with action figures, so foul was the dialogue and the acting. Actually, that sounds pretty good. The characters were as flat as Kate Moss' chest.
5. How the fake accents did waver in this bloated, pompous and ultimately empty film! DD Lewis' character (or caricature) was so over the top, I had to laugh. Then I wanted to cry. And why the fuck did C. Diaz have to be in it? This movie was really made by Busby Berkeley! Who knew that everyone was so goddamned clean back then?

OK, I'm done.

the paradoxical Fear of no longer being Afraid

I just drank my 2nd cup of coffee and my 4-month-old daughter is asleep in my arms. My husband left for work about an hour ago and I am contemplating whether or not to go back to bed. I hear a train in the distance as well as the cool silence that the early morning brings. The potential that this blog opens to me is a rather scary one...I'm here to find out about myself and I'm afraid of what I might find. Or should I be excited that I am giving myself a chance at self-discovery, without worrying or caring what anyone else thinks? Sounds pretty liberating for a girl who has always been her own prisoner. MUST BE IN CONTROL AT ALL TIMES! That's no control at all, just fodder (or is it grist) for the anxiety and depression mills. And to think that I hold the key to my own cell! I see the key in the lock, pregnant with promise, but I am forced backwards into the corner of my cell, scared to death. Of what? Of living. Of not being afraid. Haha, I'm afraid of no longer being afraid. They think it's funny, too.
Hmm, my 3-year-old boxer Brules is staring at me, obviously expecting some sort of action on my part. Yes, Brules? Whatcha' want? His eyes bulge and his ears perk up. I'm surprised our lab Mazie isn't right there with him. She's the fun-seeker.
Typing with one hand is proving to be tiring (my child is in my left arm), so I'll post again later. This is fun. Thanks to an old friend for inadvertently leading me here.

What schizophrenia is and is not

Schizophrenia Is Not "Split Personality"
There is a common notion that schizophrenia is the same as "split personality"—a Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde switch in character.

This is not correct.

WHAT IS IT?
Schizophrenia is a chronic, severe, and disabling brain disease. People with schizophrenia often suffer terrifying symptoms such as hearing internal voices not heard by others, or believing that other people are reading their minds, controlling their thoughts, or plotting to harm them. These symptoms may leave them fearful and withdrawn. Their speech and behavior can be so disorganized that they may be incomprehensible or frightening to others.

I wish everyone would understand this.